Writing for Religion Dispatches, Sarah Morice-Brubaker argues that as citizens we have a perfect right to tell other citizens what to do with their bodies, especially if what they are doing goes against God’s design, and is likely to cost us money.
Which is why the nation must unite against the scourge of … marathon running.
What about those of us who have all the right ideas about how other people should use their bodies? Should we allow huge numbers of other people to do improper things with their bodies, especially when we might end up indirectly paying for it?
I say no. This is why I hope you will join me in support of God’s Design For Walking.
For there is a scourge of marathon-running in this country.
How do I know that marathon-running is not something you should be doing with your body? I mean, it’s only, like, TOTALLY OBVIOUS and available to be read off of reality as such. But, fine, I’ll spell it out:
1. Human bodies were not designed by God to run marathons. Just look at all the health problems that come from running marathons: knee problems, plantar fasciitis, collapsed arches. The claim that it’s somehow about health is clearly a lie.
2. It’s hard to talk while you’re running. We all know communication is vitally important for a healthy marriage.
3. There’s a heavy dose of misogyny inherent in marathon-running. The female bosom provides sustenance to a child, and is a source of delight between a woman and her husband. Now, let’s think about what running does to a lady’s, ahem, front mezzanine area. I mean: sports bras? If you have to buy a special garment in order to indulge your running hobby, shouldn’t that be a clue that you’re doing something contrary to nature? Walking cooperates with the beautiful purpose of your female form, where marathon-running says “Take that! And that! And that!” Marathon runners, why do you insist on pathologizing women’s bodies?