Rawness
(a poetic reflection on Psalm 143:1-11(12)
One of the things
about the Daily Office
is that if one offers it as a spiritual practice
long enough
we discover
that the same familiar readings
take us different places
at different times
even though
we’ve repeated the cycle
many times over.
I can’t even count
the number of times
I’ve read this psalm
over coffee
and prayed it aloud
in the presence of my dogs
(who, oddly, can be prayerful
in their own way
while I’m saying the Office.)
I used to have pity
on the Psalmist
and could not imagine
what could have laid him
this low.
The rawness of his despair
was uncomfortable to sensible ears.
And now,
two years into a pandemic
with a glimmer of hope on the horizon
but the horizon feeling still too distant
I hear the Psalmist differently now
perhaps in his best Madeline Kahn voice
singing, “I’m Tired,”
and what he’s begging for
from God,
is simply for an eternal hug
and to be in God’s warm embrace.
So I think
About all the hugs
I was not able to give
For two years,
Doing the right thing
In the name of safety
And realizing some of the folks
I wanted to give those hugs to are now gone.
Even at the end of the psalm
(in the “optional” verse in the reading
Which is never really “optional”
Because you still have to look at it
To choose to ignore it)
When almost as an afterthought,
The Psalmist takes a swipe
At those who torment him
I ask myself:
Have I been any different
From time to time?
The muttering and grumbling
Directed at those who think it all a hoax…
The irritation
At those who believed a vaccine was evil…
I can no longer “tsk-tsk” the Psalmist
This time around…
Because he’s me…
And I have to live with the fact
That from time to time
I’ve been just as raw and audacious with God.
Maria Evans splits her week between being a pathologist and laboratory director in Kirksville, MO, and gratefully serving in the Episcopal Diocese of Missouri , as Interim Priest at Trinity-St. Paul’s Episcopal Church in Hannibal, MO.