By Margaret Treadwell
What makes a family? For six years I have been writing this Family Matters column assuming that the notion of family is simply understood when people write or talk about families. Now a cutting edge conference and an online article about expanding definitions of the American family provide rich reflections to challenge my assumptions.
Recently the Headmistresses Association of the East, a national organization comprised of men and women heads of independent schools from all over the country, addressed shifting family demographics at its annual conference, “Our Schools and the Changing Family.” The bottom line: Look at the natural order of the world to see that diversity is the key to survival. If your institution is catering only to traditional families, it will run out of customers. Question? How can we stay true to the needs of the people who come to us?
Keynote speaker, Brenda Husson, rector of St. James’s Episcopal Church, New York City, spoke about the diversity in her church. Lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, trans-gender (LGBT), bi-racial, single and adoptive parents can be open about their challenges in a world where “family values” often means being straight. She noted Biblical examples of faith-based reasons to be inclusive, especially in choosing one’s family: Ruth chooses to become an Israelite and consequently becomes the grandmother of David; Jesus invites disciples to leave their families to follow him, and at the time of his death, gives his mother a new son, John, the beloved disciple.
Children first begin to create a larger family at church and school. Just as nature gives us a pod of whales, school of fish, gaggle of geese, pride of lions and an exaltation of larks, we human beings need larger networks where we can feel accepted enough to try on different roles, no matter how strong our biological family.
Among the 2000 U.S. Census statistics on families, 1.6 million children under the age of 18 live with their adoptive parents (who chose them); 2.8 million children under age 18 and nearly 7 million Americans of all ages identify themselves as being a part of more than one race; there are more than 7 million LGBT parents with school-age children, and in 2005, there were an estimated 8.8 million gay, lesbian and bisexual people (single and coupled) living in the U.S. Twenty percent of same-sex couples are raising children under the age of 18, and same sex couples live in 99.3 percent of all counties and in every state.
During the conference, break-out groups focused on what school heads need to be thinking about as ramifications of these statistics. For example, Abbie E. Goldberg of the Clark University Department of Psychology presented her research and recommendations for lesbian and gay-parent families. Another session considered how to end the crisis of bullying in schools, and a panel of independent school parents, teachers and students from various family backgrounds told powerful stories about their experiences.
Betsy Pursell, vice president of education and outreach at The Human Rights Campaign, co-led a session entitled “Making Your School Welcoming” which could be applied equally to churches seeking grounding and safety for diverse families. She said the following three points are often overlooked:
• People from diverse backgrounds want to see themselves reflected in the community, beginning with non-discrimination statements and photographs on websites. Lesbian and gay parishioners need to read (or hear from the pulpit) the words “lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, trans-gender” spoken as loving messages.
• Unwritten messages and hidden symbols tell people whether or not they are truly welcomed. Many of the lesbian and gay people sitting in our Episcopal church pews are refugees from evangelical or ultra-conservative churches and they are especially attuned to the subtle and not so subtle messages they see and hear; from the Sunday sermon to weekly announcements to the agenda of the social justice work. Does this church seem to value its LGBT members?
• Word of mouth is most important. Have other bi-racial or LGBT families felt welcomed in your school or church?
Nationally representative surveys conducted by Indiana University sociologist Brian Powell show that a majority of Americans now include same-sex couples and their children in their definitions of family. This growing acceptance has come at a surprisingly quick pace, although far from a warm embrace of same-sex unions and the notion that same-sex couples with or without children are a family unit. What would it take for churches to assume leadership in extending a radical welcome and warm embrace to the expanding definitions of what makes a family?
Margaret M. “Peggy” Treadwell, LICSW, is a family, individual and couples therapist and teacher in private practice.