A note from a younger priest stirred up a lot of memories for me: “A couple I met on Thursday are getting married two weeks from today. He’s been married before and needs some kind of sense of closure from his previous marriage. I think he wants some kind of ceremony that will help him leave it behind.” What had I actually learned from my own divorce and remarriage almost a third of a century ago?
I know, Thanksgiving is supposed to be about thanking God: isn’t that the easy part sometimes? Thanking God seems to enlarge us, to remind us we’re blessed. Thanking our spouse, on the other hand, is another story. Lacking a special occasion — a clean garage, a perfect roast turkey, a gift — we often assume our appreciation is unnecessary, or obvious. Or worse, we keep score.
When Daniel from Dover, Del. wanted a romantic way to propose to his love, Lily, he remembered his favorite childhood summer building sand castles. He googled “Sandcastle Lady” and found his teacher, Lynn McKeown. Together they created a plan: He and Lily would take a sunset walk to Market Beach, where Lynn promised to have built a castle to fulfill his dreams.
Here in an affluent area of a wealthy nation I sit and listen to people whose struggles to cover the cost of health insurance, child care, and retirement too often deplete the time and energy they need to relate to those they love. This is life, they tell themselves, and try to make the best of it. They are trapped in an ethic of individualism that leaves them alone and exhausted.
After years as a relationship therapist and a partner in my own marriage, I knew couples wouldn’t win based on what they’ve accomplished prior to their wedding day. Instead, like a shoe or thimble hopping around a board acquiring houses during a game of Monopoly, the idea would be to earn points over a lifetime in a relationship. I figured we’d call this game – what else? — Monogamy.